Note: This post references sexual assault. It does not include graphic descriptions or details.

My adolescent sons had already heard about the “Cornell 7” before I checked in with them about it. It had already popped up in their YouTube feeds and filtered into conversations at school. The details of this alleged case of sexual violence had been lodged in a deeply unsettled and twisted part of my stomach all day and I was wary of the way that it might be ricocheting around algorithms and peer groups. I was hoping that they were horrified (they were), that the creators they follow on YouTube had presented thoughtful and healthy messaging (they had), and that they felt equipped to disrupt sexism and harm among peers, however and wherever it shows up (Absolutely. Sort of? Maybe? Not sure). 

It’s important to take honest stock of this last part. Our first responsibility, of course, is to teach boys never to assault others. Period. Full stop. We must do this work in so many ways throughout their childhood and adolescence. We have to talk about and practice consent early and often. We need to model and talk about healthy relationships. We need to set and hold boundaries and practice accountability. We also should talk about porn and online masculinity content. But there is one more set of skills that often gets left out: learning how to be an active bystander if harmful words and actions unfold around them.

The stakes are high. For every boy or young man who is a perpetrator of assault, there are many others who enable it or do nothing to stop it. These dynamics are laid bare in the lawsuit, which alleges that messages about the assault were shared in a Snapchat group chat that was widely accessible to members of this fraternity. Seven young men are accused of being in the room, but according to the lawsuit many more saw the messages and no one intervened. 

The power of active bystanders

Sexual violence is not an uncommon or isolated problem on college campuses, and disproportionately impacts young women, LGBTQ+ students, and students with disabilities. There continues to be a disappointing focus on the long list of things girls should do or not do, say, or wear to avoid being assaulted. Yet more and more people understand that the main responsibility for prevention lies with the perpetrators of violence, not the victims of it. This includes talking to boys early and often about how to step up, step in, and do the right thing – even if they aren’t directly involved themselves. 

Our attention to the power of bystanders is well worth it. Active bystanders can and do reduce violence. But a bystander’s responsibility begins long before sexual violence shows up in an explicit and horrifying Snapchat thread. It involves learning how to disrupt the smaller and less overt ways that sexism shows up in conversations, jokes, and banter. These moments start early: on playgrounds, in classrooms, and on sports teams. It means refusing to ignore the derogatory joke in the locker room or addressing a harmful meme dropped into a text thread. It means challenging the idea that dehumanizing others is the cost of membership to a friend group. 

While these moments rarely hit the headlines, they are on the front line of violence prevention.

Understanding the challenge

When my kids were younger, bystander action seemed more accessible to them. Their indignation was clear and commitment to action bold. I remember reading children’s books about bullying where my youngest would triumphantly say, “That is WRONG! I would tell an adult!” and snuggle back to my side, clearly comforted by his conviction that this imagined intervention would save the day.

Fast forward to today, and I do believe that my sons and their friends continue to have moral clarity about what is right and wrong. I also believe that the complex social dynamics of adolescence make the path to putting these values into action more overwhelming. The teen brain in particular is acutely sensitive to peer approval, feedback, and rejection. This is by design. It helps adolescents move out into the world to find their people. It also means that hopped up social comparison and fear of peer rejection can make it less likely for teens to go against the grain. 

For many boys, that social grain comes with rigid unwritten rules. A 2025 Australian study of fourteen to eighteen year-olds looked at twenty-seven unspoken rules about masculinity. These included expectations about being tough, restricting emotions, and participating in teasing and banter regardless of personal comfort. They found that most boys believe in gender equality and reject sexist behavior. Nevertheless a significant proportion hold tightly to narrow and rigid rules about what it means to be a man. Whatever their personal beliefs, many boys feel significant social pressure. A 2025 U.S. study from Common Sense Media backs this up. They found that to avoid being teased or picked on, nearly half of boys said they can’t cry or show fear.

When it comes to preventing sexual violence, this matters. The authors of the Australia study note that, “The more strongly adolescent boys hold rigid views about masculinity, the more likely they are to cause harm to others, and to hold violence-supportive attitudes.” 

The gap between discomfort and action

In the same study, the vast majority (80%) of boys were bothered by sexist jokes and comments but less than one in five intervened. That gap between discomfort and action is exactly where bystander work lives. But there are often social risks to crossing it. A boy who objects to a sexist joke risks being called soft, or gay, or pushed out of the group. Many boys privately disagree with the misogyny around them but assume that they are the only ones who feel that way, so they stay quiet. Group chats add another layer. The more people who witness something, the easier it is for each person to assume social agreement or that someone else will handle it. During adolescence, the pull of group belonging can override the pull to intervene.

The good news is that norms can cut the other way as well. Our perception of group norms are powerful, but we are often wrong about them. College men, for example, tend to overestimate how sexist their peers are, which can make them more reluctant to challenge sexist attitudes. In one study, showing men the gap between what they assumed and what their peers actually believed helped them rightsize their perceptions. When a text thread gets toxic, a group norm that sexism isn’t okay will make it much easier to disarm the sender of a misogynist meme. 

Even if larger norms take longer to shift, supportive friends can make a huge difference. The same sensitivity to peers that can drive risky behavior in adolescence can also inspire brave, prosocial risks on behalf of someone else. Negative risk-taking behaviors and positive prosocial behaviors rely on overlapping neural circuitry and the reward of doing the right thing is amplified when approving friends are around.

Cold and hot decision-making

The difference between “hot” and “cool” executive function skills can also help us coach kids cross the gap. Considering right actions while safely sitting next to a parent at home is much easier than responding to a degrading message that lands in a new group chat where high status peers have already piled on with laughing emojis. One scenario uses “cool” executive function skills like thinking and reflection. The other demands “hot” executive function skills like emotional regulation and social problem solving under pressure. The development of hot executive function skills lag behind their cooler counterparts during adolescence. This helps explain why young people are often more capable of thoughtful decision-making in lower-stakes environments than in emotionally charged ones.

Does that mean that young people aren’t capable of thoughtful and positive actions in high stakes situations? No. But it does mean that teens benefit from making a plan for these more “hot” contexts and practicing specific strategies for when they feel overwhelmed or wobbly. 

Prepare and practice

All of this developmental context does not excuse silence or inaction. But understanding these dynamics helps us move beyond woefully simplistic or idealistic one-time advice that fails to prepare young people to shift culture and intervene when needed. Pat phrases like, “do the right thing” or, “be kind online” aren’t nearly as effective as, “let’s talk about how hard this can be and what your options are if someone makes a sexist joke in a group chat.” Consider the following:

Share and practice your values and expectations around bullying, sexual violence, sexism, etc… For example: “We are positive bystanders, and we do something if we see or hear sexist language or jokes – online or offline.”

Point out and cultivate positive role models, common shared values, and supportive friends. Remind kids that taking prosocial action does not have to be a lonely experience.

Get curious about how these dynamics play out at school and online.

• “How do boys at your school talk about girls? In person? Online?
• “How do you think your friends would respond if someone dropped something sexist or degrading in a group chat?”
• “How do you think others would respond if you said something about it?”
• “How might the person targeted by a text like that feel?”

Don’t assume your teen knows what to do. Work together to brainstorm specific actions or skills. For example::

• Normalize the impulse to freeze, ignore, avoid, or minimize. Recognizing it helps us move through this reaction toward action. Share strategies like taking a deep breath, wiggling toes, taking a drink of water, or looking around the room to get grounded.
• Don’t give harmful language a receptive audience. Never give signs of support like laughing, liking or sharing.
• Learn about and review The 5 Ds of Bystander Intervention and talk about how to use them in specific scenarios.
• Never save or forward sexual images of anyone. Tell a trusted adult instead.
• Support the target, if there is one. Send a side message or talk to them face to face. “That was not cool. Are you okay?”

Brainstorm specific ways to disrupt inappropriate humor or messages.

• “Not cool.”
• “That’s really not okay.”
• “No way.”
• “Not funny.”
• “Wow, that is so sexist.”

Talk about how to tell if someone’s safety might be in jeopardy and what to do about it. Actions could include intervening if it is safe to do so or calling for help. Affirm that you (and list other trusted peers or adults) will support them if there is social aftermath related to that decision.

Recruit more trusted men in boys’ lives to encourage action by emphasizing the honor in taking a leadership role in shutting down sexism, homophobia, racism, and other harmful attitudes and language.

Acknowledge the challenge and stay grounded in clear expectations. “Sometimes it is easier to talk about being an active bystander than to actually do it. I’m here for you when you do things you are proud of and when you wish you could get a do-over. I don’t expect you to always get it right every single time but I do expect you to do something and to keep trying.”

Culture shift

I’d love to believe that my sons will never end up in situations where someone’s safety is on the line. I’d love to believe that they won’t encounter or share crude and harmful jokes or comments. But the statistics tell me otherwise. And the reality is that learning how to spot and disrupt these dynamics takes coaching and practice. Are they prepared today? Honestly? Absolutely. Sort of? Maybe? Not sure.

When boys in the Australian study were asked what shapes their ideas about how teenage boys should act, they didn’t point first to YouTubers or influencers. They pointed to parents and male friends. We made the list. Our kids are listening, watching, and relying on us to help them build healthy beliefs and translate them into brave actions. The more of us who engage in this work with young men, the lower the social costs of doing the right thing. All hands on deck. Let’s go.