We are familiar with the checklists that help us spot when things are going wrong when it comes to screen time. Our eyes quickly scan the list, hoping that the symptoms or behaviors won’t resonate. We are eager for a sigh of relief: “Maybe I have less to worry about than I thought I did.”

Other times, however, our concerns are validated. Check, check, check. As an author of some of these checklists, this isn’t cause for panic. It just means it is time to revisit purposeful boundaries or take the next steps to widen our circles of care. For example, we can call primary care providers, reach out to the school social worker, or check in with another adult who knows our kid well. 

But there is another kind of list that we encounter less often when it comes to kids and tech: Signs that things are going right. 

An Accurate Mirror

When I start workshops, I often ask parents to share some of the things that are going right when it comes to their kids’ tech use. How is technology contributing in positive ways to their children’s learning, health, or wellbeing?

Admittedly, it’s easy to draw a blank in that context. Most parents, if they have chosen to prioritize a parent education night on kids and tech instead of enjoying a free evening, are coming in with pain points, concerns, and worries top of mind. 

I don’t want parents to sideline their concerns. I ask the question because one of our jobs as caring adults is to hold up an accurate mirror to our kids’ digital lives. We can skew the mirror in a couple of directions:

• Wishful thinking. We ignore signs of trouble and rely on hope and luck that things are going okay. 
• Damage control. We ignore signs of strength and jump to worst case scenarios. 

In reality, most kids have both digital strengths and habits that aren’t serving them very well. One of my kids is constantly making music, using YouTube videos, a midi board, and sound mixing software. Pretty amazing. He can also descend into avoidant and endless seeking that results in what can only be described as “languishing.” Not so amazing. An accurate mirror has the capacity to honestly reflect both the hard and the hopeful. And everything in between. 

This kind of mirror isn’t forged just by national statistics or news headlines. It reflects the living, breathing child living in your home. Because it can be hard to find sometimes, we have to go looking for it. 

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We have to put in effort because confirmation bias can quickly distort the mirror. Once we form a strong belief about kids and tech, such as “screens are bad,” our brains start looking for evidence to back up that belief. This often causes us to miss evidence that doesn’t conform to that belief and makes it more likely that we interpret ambiguous data accordingly as well. 

That’s not to say that our beliefs about kids and tech are made up. They are often grounded in real observations and challenges. But if we aren’t careful, a strong belief can prevent us from seeing the whole picture. 

A Different Kind of Checklist

One helpful strategy is to start looking for evidence that doesn’t conform to our theory. If we can’t find evidence that doesn’t back up our belief, that is important for us to know as well. A different kind of checklist might help your brain notice new things. Here are some signs that tech use is going well:

Extending and deepening friendships

When kids use technology to stay close to people they already care about, like texting a friend after a hard day, gaming with someone from school, or keeping up with a cousin who moved away, that’s a green flag worth noticing. Positive peer relationships are protective forces (especially during adolescence) and technology is one way that young people can stay connected. A recent report from Boston University’s Digital Wellness Lab found that for many teens, digital spaces extend rather than replace in person connections.

Creativity and contribution

Learning and making things feels good to us human beings! Making something, whether a playlist, a video, or graphic design, is fundamentally different from hours of passive scrolling through algorithmic content. When kids turn from consumer to creator, they are often practicing digital skills, exploring interests and identities, and building a sense of what they are capable of.

Healthy coping

As kids get older, they often develop more sophisticated ways to help themselves feel better when they are down. For teens, playlists often play a key role here. A bit of happy distraction or reaching out to a friend can go a long way. As long as tech is one tool of many in their toolkit to deal with difficult feelings, things are looking good. 

Self-directed use

Because most platforms are designed to grab and hold our attention, expect this one to be a work-in-progress for kids (and for us). A kid who puts their device down without being asked, decides an app isn’t worth their time, or a notices how certain content makes them feel and adjusts, is demonstrating self-directed media use in action. Another sign of self-directed us is that screens are not crowding out other activities that kids love, including face-to-face time, sports, arts, sleep, nature, and community. 

Compelling content

The PBSKids show Carl the Collector is a master class in child-centered storytelling. Watching my kids fall in love with the show Ted Lasso is also a parenting win. Long-form content that emerges from a writer’s room? What a wonderful reprieve from AI slop. Plus that show did compelling education on themes like masculinity, growth mindset, and empathy that I could not have emulated on my own. While algorithms are built to prioritize extreme content instead of child or teen-centered content, let’s pay attention to what is moving our kids in digital content and celebrate the masterful storytellers they have access to. 

See something, say something

Noticing these signs matters, but so does saying something. The next time you spot one, try naming it out loud. We don’t have to inundate them with empty praise (teens in particular can sniff out inauthentic praise from miles away) or ignore the challenges. We don’t have to choose between strong and purposeful boundaries around tech and catching their digital strengths. Acknowledging and taking interest in what’s going well is a reminder to them that we are trying to see the full picture of who they are and who they are growing to be. With or without a device in their hands.