“What do you wish adults better understood about your relationship with technology?”

I asked this question to a group of seven high school student leaders last week, in front of an audience of one hundred and fifty educators. I was lucky enough to share a conference keynote stage with a group of thoughtful young people who were eager to share their insights and ideas about how adults can better support them in a world dominated by screens. 

Their insights, it turns out, are not just personal. They are remarkably evidence-based. Here’s what they told us.

You can’t say tech is all good or all bad – it depends on how we use it.

Each young person on the panel described positive and helpful digital activities, such as connecting with friends, accessing resources, creating art, and communicating with work, school, and family systems. They also described media habits that get in the way or erode their mental health, like scrolling TikTok for too long or consuming toxic content online. This tracks with what the research shows. Outcomes aren’t just shaped by time in front of a screen. They are shaped by who kids are, what they are doing, when and why they turn to tech, and what is going on around them.

We can ask, “What do you love most about this platform? What are the downsides? Is there anything you want to change? Why?”

We are trying. We don’t want to be addicted to our phones either.

The old image of kids clinging to their phones while adults try to rip them out of their hands is outdated. (It also doesn’t reflect the fact that most adults are wrestling with their own phone use.) One student was blunt: adults “created this problem,” and teens shouldn’t be blamed for struggling with tools designed to be addictive. Another student noted that many young people are trying to build healthier habits.

Young people aren’t just accepting the status quo. Youth-led movements like Design It For Us and #HalfTheStory are calling for industry accountability. A recent Common Sense Media study found that while up to one third of teens feel that tech gets in the way, they reported a diverse set of strategies to manage distractions, curate content, and increase friction to their phone use.

We can ask, “Sounds like you want to spend less time scrolling on your phone after school. Our devices are designed to be hard to put down. What have you tried already? What’s working? What’s not working?”

We need guidance, not just rules.

Clear and purposeful boundaries are essential. But young people need more than just reminders to turn off their devices and log off. They also need mentors who communicate about boundaries and help them practice the social and emotional skills needed to manage online pressure, risks, and to cultivate wellbeing online and offline. Young people build these skills through trial and error, learning from mistakes, and trying again. Their brains are built for this kind of experiential learning, especially when caring adults help them make sense of their experiences.

We can ask, “It sounds like that text thread was really tricky. Where do you think it went sideways? How do you think others are feeling? What are you thinking of doing next to make it right?”

Lecturing doesn’t work with teenagers. Start with respect.

Due to a combination of psychological and hormonal changes during adolescence, the teenage brain is highly attuned to respect and status. This is a good thing! It helps them get out into the world, navigate complex social situations, and find their people. It also means that adult efforts to control their behavior can feel like a sign of disrespect, even when that’s not the intention. Young people want to be treated as competent, capable, and valuable members of a group. This doesn’t mean that we put young people in charge entirely. That’s a job they need more experience for. But when we communicate with this age group’s developmental needs in mind, young people are much more likely to engage. 

We can ask, “Your next challenge is to get your homework done and I know you want to spend some time gaming with friends. What is your plan?”

Not every problem is about our phones.

Adults everywhere receive a steady drumbeat of warnings that phones cause mental health issues for youth. There are certainly urgent and valid concerns about online harms and exploitative tech design. The challenge is that if we chalk everything up to phones, we miss seeing and hearing about the real, varied challenges that young people are navigating. A recent review of the literature identified at least six trends that contribute to youth anxiety. In addition to technology, the authors noted academic pressures, family dynamics, and political and environmental uncertainty. In her TED Talk, developmental psychologist Candice Odgers recently outlined the role of caregiver wellbeing in adolescent mental health. In our haste to address the harms of tech, let’s not forget to pay attention to the complex lives of the young people using it. 

We can ask, “I notice things feel a bit heavy this week. Have you noticed that? You don’t have to talk about it now, but I am always here to listen.”

We need meaningful things to put our phones down for.

We spend a lot of time considering ways to get young people away from devices. But what opportunities are they moving toward? One student noted that time with low-tech tools, including paper and pencil, helped her practice skills in a way that switching screens never could. Another student noted that it’s easier to put devices down when he has hobbies and places to explore interests and see friends.

As educator and author Stephanie Malia Krauss shared in a recent interview, “the antidote to addictive, toxic tech is not the absence of devices, it’s the abundance of healthy, positive developmental experiences.” Nurturing digital wellbeing is as much about accessible green spaces and third spaces, libraries, engaging after-school programs, and other positive youth development opportunities as it is about turning off phones.

We can ask, “What makes you happy? What are you interested in? What is your spark? How can we find mentors to champion it and experiences that help you explore it?”

Stay connected

Whenever I have the opportunity to talk directly to young people about their digital lives, their contributions have shifted my understanding, challenged my assumptions, and sparked insights I never would have had on my own. They’ve helped me see that some parts of growing up in a digital world are way harder than I thought—and other parts are way better than I could have imagined.

Adults know a lot about a lot of things. But when we decide that we already know everything about teens and tech, we close the door to a full understanding of their world. On the other hand, when we decide that we know nothing, we miss out on opportunities to step meaningfully into their lives with mentorship and guidance. 

I left that keynote stage thinking about how rarely we actually ask young people these questions — and how much they have to tell us when we do. So here’s my challenge to you this week: pick one “we can ask” from this list, and try it.