When our kids are little, we get a lot of data about their lives. We know their friends, what they ate for lunch, and which show they want to watch on repeat. I remember sometimes wishing for less data when my youngest’s preferred safety spot was in my lap, facing me, with both hands clutching my hair. It was as if he were preparing for an emergency landing at any moment. While it was endearing, there were definitely moments when I longed for a bit of space from his grasp.

Fast forward to now, and I’m sometimes lucky to catch a glimpse of my teen’s back as he heads out the door. And that makes sense—he’s off into the world doing exactly what his brain is wired to do: explore new terrain, make mistakes, discover who he is, and find his people. That kind of growth is hard to do when you’re clinging to a parent’s side.

But just because space is developmentally appropriate doesn’t mean it always feels good. Add technology into the mix, and adolescence can feel like a series of new portals we don’t have full access to. New friend groups. Endless videos. Group chats. New platforms. No wonder we sometimes panic.

And in our panic, we often swing to extremes:

–> The Smother: TELL ME EVERYTHING. (The less they share, the more we pry or spy.)

–> The Aloof: Fine, I’ll stop asking and assume the worst. (If they pull away, we retreat.)

Neither approach serves us—or our teens—very well.

Teens’ need for privacy and autonomy is right on time. At the same time, they still need clear boundaries, monitoring that builds trust, and – perhaps most importantly – connection and conversation. Even if we delay devices or access to certain platforms, we shouldn’t delay the conversations. Dr. Jacqueline Nesi, a leading researcher on technology and adolescent mental health, reminds us that teens’ outcomes are powerfully shaped by who they are and what they’re doing online. We need tools that help us stay cued into their world.

Curious Questions Matter

Asking teens curious questions is not just something nice to do. It matters for their mental health and wellbeing. A recent review of forty studies found little evidence that parental controls alone reduce risk, unless coupled with good communication and skill building. Asking curious questions is so important to outcomes, that the American Academy of Pediatrics Center of Excellence on Social Media and Mental Health recently released age-based conversation starters for parents, from early childhood through adulthood.

Teens benefit when we ask curious questions like,

• How does this app, game, or platform make you feel?
• Have you gotten help or support here that you wouldn’t have received otherwise?
• Who do you spend time with here? How do people treat each other?
• Do you feel like you’re in control of how you use this app or does it get in the way of what you want to do?

Expectation Management Is Key

This all sounds so lovely in theory: curious conversations. You might imagine a parent and teen sitting across from each other, exchanging emotionally vulnerable insights and meaningful dialogue. But in real life? A thoughtfully placed question in my house is often met with:

“I don’t know.”
(Silence.)
“Can we stop talking about this now?”

This isn’t a sign that we’re failing. It’s a sign that we’re parenting real teenagers in the real world. The mistake isn’t in the awkward response—it’s in giving up and stopping the conversation altogether.

Communicating with teens is an art.

Science reminds us to keep trying. Strong parent-teen communication is a powerful protective factor—for everything from mental health to online safety. Our teens may not always thank us or lean in with open arms, but they are paying attention. They rely on our efforts, even if they don’t always show it. Here are some things to keep in mind as you get started:

Don’t forget to actually listen.

Sometimes we worry so much about what to say we forget to close our mouths and open our ears. Listen for what your teen shares even outside the context of a formal conversation. Many teens are most likely to share when they feel less pressure for details and more in control of the context. Teens also share a lot without talking at all – through their mood, their choices, and their body language. Do they report that things are good but engage in a lot of negative self talk and social comparison after using a certain app? Pay attention to and listen for these insights into their digital lives.

Look for less charged entry points to conversation.

Asking teens questions in front of their friends or during an active conflict isn’t likely to yield connected conversations. Instead, look for in-between moments: in the car, while making dinner, or at night. These aren’t always the moments we would choose, but they’re often the most fruitful with teens. Be ready—and resist the urge to jump in too fast or too strong. Teens may also be more likely to open up when they are talking about issues presented in a show, movie, or related to younger kids.

Breathe. Then breathe again.

It’s not uncommon for the things our teens share to trigger worry or anxiety which can cause us to over-respond. Sometimes worry is warranted. Other times, not as much. But if every conversation ends with a long lecture our kids aren’t likely to share much. Note your internal response, take a deep breath, and ask another question if you need more time to gather your thoughts in a helpful way. If you feel like a conversation has you on your heels, it’s okay to take time. We can just say, “Thank you for telling me that” and “That sounds tricky.”

Then take another breathe. And another. The best gift we can give our teens in these moments is evidence that we won’t fly off the handle when they tell us things about their lives.

Reframe success.

If we define a “successful” conversation as a long, emotionally rich, honest dialogue—we’ll often feel like failures. Instead, remember: our job is to plant seeds, model curiosity, and keep the lines of communication open. We can never be sure when our teens are going to need to use those lines for something important.

It’s our teenagers’ job to create space so they can grow. It’s our job to loosen without letting go. Parenting isn’t just about bracing for crash landings, but they do need us to stay steady and connected through the turbulence they’ll inevitably encounter. Asking curious questions can shape our responses: Do they need us to cheer them on? Help problem solve? Coach skills? Set more clear boundaries? Or do they just need an empathetic and soft place to land?

We won’t know unless we access our curiosity, turn towards our kids, and listen.