There are moments when I look at my phone and think, “What a time to be alive!” The device in my hand is one thousand times faster than the last generation’s supercomputers. Our lives benefit from this small device’s connection, information, and efficiency.

There are other moments when I long to slow down all that computing power, let the batteries die, and take my children to the forest….and stay there.

I know that I am not the only parent who vacillates between these two extremes. Our ambivalence combined with fuzzy data can make decisions about our children’s first devices fraught and exhausting.

Growing Up, Getting a Device?

There are as many strong opinions about kids and phones as there are kids and parents. In terms of the actual numbers, device ownership has “aged down” since the pandemic. Currently, about half of American eleven-year-olds have a smartphone. By twelve, nearly three-quarters of kids have them. At the same time, there are renewed calls to delay smartphones until high school.

Despite strong opinions on all sides, there isn’t hidden research somewhere that tells us exactly when to introduce personal devices to our kids. On the one hand, a device may allow kids opportunities for much-needed independence. On the other hand, fully connected smartphones open portals to online spaces, distractions, and content that many children struggle to manage.

When it comes to the question, “At what age should I get my kid a phone?” most experts are reluctant to pinpoint a specific age. That’s because each young person and family system has unique needs, strengths, and vulnerabilities. There are plenty of thirteen-year-olds who do fine with their phones and plenty of seventeen-year-olds who struggle. 

The reality is that we don’t need to wait for definitive, causal proof that early device ownership leads to mental health issues to decide to delay smartphone use. There are plenty of compelling reasons to avoid handing a fully loaded smartphone to young people and wishing them luck.

Is There a Case to Delay?

We do have some correlational data showing that young adults who got cell phones earlier in their lives reported worse mental health outcomes than those who got them when they were older. This study made it into a lot of news headlines touting definitive evidence to delay. Yet this data (and many studies like it) didn’t tell us whether early phone ownership drove the outcomes or whether an additional variable drove the association.

The reality is that we don’t need to wait for definitive, causal proof that early device ownership leads to mental health issues to decide to delay smartphone use. There are plenty of compelling reasons to avoid handing a fully loaded smartphone to tweens and wishing them luck. We know that design features created for adults are often at odds with the developmental needs and sensitivities of young adolescents. This is especially true when phones become a portal to social media. At the same time, we shouldn’t rely on overstated science to cast judgment or deliver rigid prescriptions. Our kids, our contexts, and our tradeoffs are all different. 

Whether or not kids have watches, smartphones, or no personal device at all, there is nothing magical about chronological age that guarantees safety, responsibility, and thriving online. This is especially true if young people haven’t had the mentorship and coaching they need to be successful. While younger adolescents do need more oversight, many also benefit from a “gradual release” towards independence and agency. 

This framework helps us move away from the idea that allowing any amount of technology is somehow “failing” as a parent. It also helps us slow down and think twice before delivering more technology than is healthy or needed.

If you are contemplating a device, let’s consider options beyond a fully loaded supercomputer or a pinecone in the forest forever. Let’s turn towards our families and weigh questions like:

• • What is the purpose of the device?

(For example, to call caregivers, act as a “land line,” connect with friends, etc…)

• • Has this need persisted over time?

(Is this a passing desire/request or a persistent and agreed-upon need?)

• • What is the least technologically sophisticated way to meet this need?

(Think in terms of specific features, and consider moving away from all-or-nothing bundles when it comes to personal devices)

• • • Parents’ device or family device
    • Personal device with:
      • Emergency calling
      • Texting approved contacts
      • Texting anyone
      • Games
      • Maps/GPS
      • Music
      • Photos
      • Apps
      • Internet
      • Other _______________

• • Does my kid have the skills they need to be successful with this device? What will we need to practice together? Does the device have any design features that intersect with my kid’s vulnerabilities in ways that would set them up to struggle?

(For example, have they demonstrated that they can keep track of items, respond okay to limits, talk through online challenges, etc..)

• • Is my kid willing to co-create media agreements?

(Even very basic new devices are “windows of opportunity” for communication about digital dilemmas and harmful content, rules and expectations, and device agreements, including clear expectations about following school policies)

Each of these choices invite new conversations, new parenting skills, and new mindsets. No matter what choices we make, our kids will rely on our modeling and guidance as their digital worlds expand. We can all agree on that.

No Matter What, Don’t Delay Connection and Coaching

This framework helps us move away from the idea that allowing any amount of technology is somehow “failing” as a parent. It also helps us slow down and think twice before delivering more technology than is healthy or needed. Using this framework, we may decide to delay personal tech altogether for now. We might not. We might talk with our kids’ close friends to create ways for them to stay connected using family devices. We might decide that a simple watch or basic phone is “just enough” technology to meet our kids’ need for independence. As kids grow, their needs will change. It could be that expanding access to a group chat or approved app helps meet their need for social connection without unleashing the entire world of social media upon them all at once.

New devices don’t just change our kids’ lives. They change our lives too. Each of these choices invite new conversations, new parenting skills, and new mindsets. No matter what choices we make, our kids will rely on our modeling and guidance as their digital worlds expand. We can all agree on that.