“When did you start talking to your kids about online porn?” a friend recently asked me, wincing a bit at the prospect of embarking on the conversations herself someday.
My face likely mirrored a similar set of tortured emotions as I responded, “Much earlier than I would have liked to. But when you look at the statistics, it’s clear that kids need us to talk about it before we feel totally ready.”
Talking to kids about sex can already be a challenging set of conversations for some families who didn’t grow up talking openly about the topic. Talking about online porn? Even harder.
That’s why many caregivers delay these conversations well into high school, if they talk about it at all. This well-meaning procrastination is often fueled by equal parts dread, insecurity about what to say, and the (often false) belief that their kids are too young to encounter porn online.
No matter which way you slice the data, it’s clear that most teens have seen porn and that average first exposure is well before high school.
What do the statistics tell us?
A brand new report about teens and porn from Common Sense Media might provide the motivation we need to tackle conversations about pornography sooner than later with our kids.
This report, drawn from a nationally representative sample of teens in the U.S., helps us better understand how and when young people engage with online pornography. No matter which way you slice the data, it’s clear that most teens have seen porn and that average first exposure is well before high school. Some important highlights include:
- The majority (73 percent) of teens report that they have consumed pornography. The average age of first exposure is twelve years old.
- Nearly half (44 percent) of teens aged 13-17 who have engaged in porn have done so intentionally while 58 percent have seen it accidentally.
- Viewing porn may be fairly frequent. The majority (71 percent) who say they have intentionally watched porn reported viewing it in the last week. Sixty-three percent of those who say they have only seen porn accidentally reported being exposed in the last week.
- Less than half (43 percent) of teens surveyed have discussed pornography with a trusted adult.
Not only are most young people today accessing porn, they are also likely to see extreme content in mainstream porn. This means more exposure to unrealistic, violent, degrading, or aggressive depictions of sex. Teens also report that there are often gender and racial stereotypes in the pornography they view.
What does all of this mean? We certainly need even more research on the role that online pornography plays in identity development and sexual behaviors. We also need to ensure that there are protections in place to keep pornography away from young kids. But, perhaps most urgently, we need to start talking to young people about it.
Many parents are concerned that talking to kids about sex and porn will “introduce” the ideas to their tweens or teens. Yet what we know about adolescent development is that they will be curious and thinking about sex whether we bring it up or not. The question is whether we want to be a part of the conversation.
The Perfect Storm: The Teen Brain, Tech, and Big Business
In many ways, we shouldn’t be surprised that young people are seeing online pornography at younger ages and more frequently than generations before them. As device ownership “ages down” (42 percent of ten-year-olds now have their own smartphones), kids have more independent time in digital spaces beyond adult supervision.
Porn also isn’t rare or difficult to access content. It’s big business. Revenues from internet pornography register in the billions and monetized streaming, texting, and photo channels abound. In addition to sites specifically dedicated to porn like Pornhub or YouPorn, popular platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube link to porn sites (though it is officially banned content).
This makes porn easily accessible whenever and wherever you have a device in your hand. Kids can find it, stumble upon it, or be exposed to it on other kids’ devices quite easily. Indeed, nearly one third of all teens report that they had been exposed to porn during the school day.
Unfettered access through personal devices often expands at the very time that young people begin exploring their own sexuality. Curiosity about bodies and sex is a normal and healthy part of adolescent development. Many parents are concerned that talking to kids about sex and porn will “introduce” the ideas to their kids. Yet what we know about adolescent development is that tweens and teens will be curious and thinking about sex whether we bring it up or not.
It makes sense then that teens are likely to turn to the internet at some point to learn more about sex. This may be driven by a lack of information at home or at school. Other times, kids and teens are simply seeking opportunities to explore outside the perceived judgment of their parents or friends.
What is the impact of porn?
The Common Sense Media data indicate a mixed bag when it comes to teens’ perception of porn as a teaching tool. While only 27 percent of teens surveyed say that pornography accurately shows sex, nearly half (45 percent) agree that online pornography gives helpful information about it.
Despite understanding that most porn is generally inaccurate, the majority of teens also report that they are learning “how to have sex,” “about human bodies and anatomy,” and “the types of behaviors likely to feel pleasurable.”
This means that we should be paying close attention to the kind of porn content that teens are learning from and its impact on how they view themselves and others. Teens themselves report that they learn more about their own desires and preferences from consuming porn, which many view positively.
Yet there is cause for concern. For example, research shows that cisgender boys who watch a lot of violent porn and believe it is realistic are more likely to engage in sexual assault. Depending upon the teen, their vulnerabilities, and the content they consume, evidence indicates that porn consumption may be related to increased sexual aggression and dangerous sexual behaviors, reduced wellbeing, and relationship problems. Regardless of the content, half of teens also report feeling “guilty or ashamed” after watching online porn. Associating sexual pleasure or curiosity with shame is not a good mix for healthy sexuality.
This report indicates that only 43 percent of teens have discussed pornography with a parent, guardian or trusted adult. And while many teens indicate that they would like to have conversations with a trusted adult, they aren’t sure how to start the conversation or who to talk to.
Talking helps. Talking more helps more.
So far we have painted a pretty overwhelming picture.
But there is good news and a big opportunity here. Research shows that open and honest conversations with caring adults in later childhood and early adolescence are very protective when it comes to sexual risk behaviors.
Teens themselves are also far more likely to say that they learned a lot about sex from a parent, caregiver or trusted friend than from porn. For teens who have talked to an adult, 71 percent of them feel that “there are helpful resources other than pornography to explore sex or sexuality.”
Now the bad news. The Common Sense Media report indicates that only 43 percent of teens have discussed pornography with a parent, guardian or trusted adult. And while many teens indicate that they would like to have conversations with a trusted adult, they aren’t sure how to start the conversation or who to talk to.
Our kids may not tell us directly but they are asking us to step meaningfully into these conversations with them.
It is better to get ahead of these conversations and help prepare our kids for what they are likely to encounter than to try to play catch up later.
Talking to Kids About Porn
Just because the data make clear that kids and teens need us to be talking to them about online pornography, doesn’t mean that we feel ready to get started. It’s tempting to add mainstream porn to the giant “list of things you should not do.”
But even with our best parental controls and boundaries, young people are likely to encounter porn. They need and deserve more guidance, information, and support. Whether you are preparing your child or know that they have already encountered porn, here are a few tips and resources to get you started:
Talk early, often, and in small doses.
It is better to get ahead of these conversations and help prepare our kids for what they are likely to encounter than to try to play catch up later. We can set the stage for talking about online pornography by talking about sex, bodies, pleasure, body safety and consent in accurate and positive ways from a very young age. According to the evidence-based organization Amaze for Parents, we should think about talking to kids about online pornography:
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- If a child uses a smartphone or has internet access without adult supervision.
- If a child attends schools or has playdates outside of the home where they experience varying levels of supervision.
- If a child has older siblings or friends that they regularly spend time with.
- If a child is asking lots of questions related to bodies and sex.
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Embrace awkwardness.
It’s normal to feel nervous or unsure when you start talking to your kids about online pornography. It’s okay to be honest with them about this. There is nothing wrong with saying, “It’s not always easy for me to talk about this with you because my family never did when I was growing up. But this is so important so I am going to do the best I can, okay?”
If our kids are squirming, we can also give them permission to manage the awkwardness in creative ways. For example, “I can tell this feels a little awkward to talk about. You don’t have to be right next to me or look at me while we are talking. You just have to stay in this space with me. You can be under a blanket or look away if you want! But it is important for you to have accurate information about porn and healthy relationships. We won’t talk too long and we will have more chances to talk soon.”
Enter the no-shame zone.
It can be challenging for some parents to stay open, curious, and nonjudgmental when talking about porn. We can talk in positive, accurate and healthy ways about sex and sexuality while protecting from and preparing for the harmful content in mainstream porn.
Maintaining trust and communication is key. We know that many young people experience shame related to porn use or are struggling to stop viewing porn. Piling shame on top of shame doesn’t help us stay connected. Instead, shame tends to send our kids farther from us and towards the darker and more hidden corners of the internet.
Don’t be surprised if your kids aren’t excited to engage in a long and emotionally available discussion about the ethics and impacts of online pornography. Instead, we plant these seeds and invite conversations over time. Remember to breathe, listen, and grab a tile.
Double messages are okay.
Sharing your expectations and limits around pornography while acknowledging that young people may have already been exposed or may already be seeking porn can feel awkward. Double messages are okay. It’s fine to share your opinions and expectations about porn and give them accurate information and support that protects them from risk when they encounter it.
Practice your talking points.
Sometimes it helps to practice with a friend, parenting partner, or alone before we start talking to our kids. It’s best to keep it short, clear, and simple. We can follow up over time. Ultimately, each of us will need to craft our own talking points based on our experiences, age of our kids, and values. But evidence asks us to consider the following:
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- Normalize curiosity. It’s normal to be curious about sex and bodies and to be curious about pictures or images of naked people or sex.
- Normalize feelings. If you see porn you may experience a range of feelings from disgust to curiosity to pleasure to desire to fear to excitement. All of your feelings are okay.
- Porn is big business. It’s not your fault if you stumble upon porn or if someone shows you porn. Even though it isn’t for kids, it is a huge industry which makes it common online.
- Porn is not realistic. It is a performance and a produced form of entertainment largely driven by making sexual content that sells. That’s why images in porn don’t reflect what most people’s bodies or sexual behaviors or relationships look like. Sometimes the images are just fake and unrealistic, sometimes they are really harmful.
- Porn is not for kids. Emphasizing that porn is content produced by adults for adults is important. Talk about filters and other tools you are using to block pornographic images on devices.
- Talk to trusted and caring adults. If you have questions about sex or porn (if you’ve seen it or not) I would like you to come to me or (other trusted adults) rather than hiding it, Googling your questions, or only asking friends. It might seem awkward, but I can make sure you have the information you need.
Age up with your teens.
While not easy, talking with younger kids about pornography might involve more simple and straight-forward messaging. As kids get older, we need to be ready to ask more open-ended questions and engage in young people’s complicated feelings about porn, sex, and relationships.
For example, teens report that they are frustrated with the “blurry notions of harm” that adults share when they say simple things like “porn is bad.” As young people get older we should be ready to engage them in conversations about how aggression, racism, stereotypes, misogyny, over-use and other issues show up. For example, we can ask questions like,
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- Porn (and media content overall) often portrays sex without consent. What do you think of that? What have you learned about consent?
- Porn sometimes contains aggressive and even violent depictions of sex like choking. Do you think that porn is teaching teens to try to emulate things like this or not?
- Porn often shows bodies that are really unrealistic because it is produced to entertain and sell, not to reflect real people and relationships. In real life bodies come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, abilities, colors, and identities. Do you think that impacts teens? Why or why not?
- Sometimes people access porn because they are curious but then have difficulty managing it. They don’t know how to stop or don’t feel like they can stop. Have you ever heard of that happening? Usually this is about more than just sex and porn. If you ever feel like that, you can talk to me or [fill in other trusted adults names] and I can help.
Provide alternative resources.
Make sure your kids know that porn isn’t the only way to learn about or explore sex and sexuality. Provide online sites, books, apps, and other evidence-based and developmentally appropriate resources that young people can use as an alternative or as a counterpoint to mainstream porn’s messaging. Here’s a list of books you might consider adding to your bookshelf or borrowing from the library. You might also consider sites like Amaze, or Sex, etc.
Don’t be surprised if your tween or teen isn’t excited to engage in a long and emotionally available discussion about the ethics and impacts of online pornography. Instead, we plant these seeds and invite conversations over time. Remember to breathe, listen, and grab a tile.