“You are always on the iPad,” I said as I rounded the corner into the dining room and spotted my son on his device.

As soon as I said it, I knew it wouldn’t lead to a productive conversation about my kid’s tech habits. I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t hear a response like, “Oh, thank you for the observation! I will amend my ways!” It was an especially unhelpful thing to say because my exasperation wasn’t based on a measured or accurate assessment of his actual habits. It came from my own long and frustrating day.

When we are tired, stressed, or overwhelmed, it’s easy to fall into what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.” The one I fell into headfirst is called “overgeneralization”—when we take one event or observation and turn it into a broad rule. These thought patterns happen all the time. For example, we see our child’s coat on the floor and decide they are always messy. Or a kid struggles with a test and declares they will never be good at math.

And when it comes to screens? Overgeneralizations abound: You are always on your phone. You never listen. All kids are glued to screens. No one plays outside anymore.

Not only are sweeping generalizations often inaccurate, but they also tend to shut down the very conversations we hope to start. Instead of fostering a meaningful exchange, overgeneralizations often spark unwinnable debates like: “No, I’m not.” “Yes, you are.” “No, I’m not.” “Yes, you are.”

What to Try Instead

There are a few ways we can avoid the trap of overgeneralization:

1. Notice it. Be on the lookout for words like always, never, none, or all. Cognitive distortions are most harmful when we accept them as reality. Instead, try pausing and noticing the thought pattern without judgement, It’s been a long day. It makes sense that overgeneralizing is showing up again. These thought patterns are common, but we don’t have to accept them as truth.

2. Challenge it. Once we notice it, we can challenge the thought by looking for evidence that contradicts it. For example, upon reflection, I realized that my son had spent large portions of the day without a device, including just before, when he was playing a board game with his little brother. This also guards against another common cognitive distortion called “confirmation bias.” Once we form a belief, we tend to look for information to back it up, further cementing our belief that it is always this way. If we can’t come up with a lot of counter-evidence, that’s helpful information.

3. Break it into parts. Challenging an overgeneralization doesn’t mean dismissing a real concern. Instead of saying, “You are always on your phone,” try, “I notice you’re using your phone during dinner when we agreed not to.”

It’s not that our observations are always wrong, especially when something seems to be repeating itself. Paying attention to patterns can help us identify things we want to shift, change, or coach. If we notice, for example, that our child’s “default mode” is to grab a device, it’s worth having a conversation about it. But even then, we’re more likely to have productive problem solving when we avoid always and never.

Breaking things into parts helps us tackle concerns while also recognizing the good stuff—the harmless, the creative, the hilarious, the inspiring. We might feel frustrated that our child is on their phone, but what are they actually doing? Texting a friend? Watching an art tutorial? Playing a game they love? Those details matter too.

Try experimenting with breaking things into smaller parts and noticing the difference. What happens when you shift from always to sometimes? From general to specific? From closed to curious?

You may find that your specific screen time concerns becomes more manageable—and that you start noticing digital strengths you hadn’t before.