For parents navigating stressful events, it’s natural to focus on the question, “What should we say to our kids?” Words do matter: we can reassure them that we love them, that we’ll work to keep them safe, and that their job is simply to be a kid, not to take care of us. But it’s equally important to remember that children don’t process their feelings through words alone. Young children often process stress and uncertainty in non-verbal ways. So, it’s as valuable to focus on what we do together as it is to think about what we say to each other.

When my oldest was in kindergarten, we received some challenging and stressful news. He didn’t come to me for a long, heartfelt conversation. Instead, he showed his need in other ways—wanting extra hugs, having more tantrums, and making “worry stones” for each family member (his version was a lumpy, half-dry ball of clay).

Here are some ideas for helping children cope with stressful events that go beyond words:

Befriend your own emotions

A certain amount of containment is part of being a parent and helps ensure that our feelings don’t become scary for the young children around us. But ignoring them entirely or going to battle with them tends to backfire. This is the time to tune in to your inner experience and attend to your own humanity. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge how you’re feeling, even if those feelings are uncomfortable. Reach out to your support system, whether that’s close friends, family, or a therapist.

Let them lead the conversation

Constantly reassuring children that “things will be okay” often inadvertently alarms them (and for many families isn’t always a realistic reassurance). Resist over-offering verbal reassurance and over-talking in general. Answer questions but also look for non-verbal signs that your child may be anxious. This might include being scared to go to daycare or school, extra weepy, clingy, or irritable. They might seem completely fine – and that is normal too.

Reduce background media

No matter what channel you are tuned in to, media coverage of the issues confronting our country is dominating every newsfeed. If you think children aren’t watching, you are probably wrong. Being mindful and purposeful about media consumption is a simple way to ensure that children have the time and space they need to focus and get to calm.

Go outside

The natural world is a powerful antidote to stress and anxiety. This doesn’t mean that you need to plan expeditions to remote wilderness areas. Finding green space close to your home helps mediate stress. Encourage your child to lay down in the grass. Look up at the sky. Find some water and throw rocks. Play in the sand and the dirt. Look for the moon.

Let them play

Children work to solve social problems through play. While getting over-involved and directing play can undermine its value, that doesn’t mean that we can’t support and help sustain play. Feel free to observe, take your child’s lead, and add to the complexity by asking supporting questions. These “play scripts” can offer you a really interesting window into how your child is processing events or feelings that they may not have many words for.

Connect, connect, connect

Be willing to read a couple of extra books, offer hugs, rough house, snuggle, and find as many ways as you can to connect. Spending time laughing, reading, dancing, and throwing leaves together is a very effective way to communicate a sense of security.

Listen

Rather than doing all of the talking, be sure to listen to what your child says about school, including what is happening on the playground or on the bus. If you hear about teasing, cruelty, or dehumanizing language, be sure to follow up and get involved.

Be prepared for things to come out sideways

Lead with connection when it comes to discipline and behavior. This doesn’t mean that there are no rules and limits (indeed, consistency helps children feel secure), but anxiety comes out sideways and backwards for all of us, especially for children. Many parents are surprised when their child responds with a happy “Yes!” to the question “Are you okay?” only to melt down in a fit of uncharacteristic rage over an imperfect play-dough project ten minutes later (it’s not about the play dough). Be patient with your child and with yourself. Make sure to prioritize connection in these moments.

Helping helps

As Fred Rogers famously said, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” Writing a letter, sending art or notes to family and friends, helping at school, or attending community events and actions are all fair game.

Check out our age-by-age guide to helping kids cope with tragedy for more ideas.