Helping Kids Cope With Tragedy - Spark & Stitch Institute

Unfortunately, mass shootings, racialized violence, and political violence are not uncommon. Even if they don’t happen in their communities, children and teens hear about them from friends, see images on social media, and read about them in the news. These events may cause children to fear that an event like this could happen to them or their parents. All of us, including our children and teens, are dealing with sadness, anger, grief, and other strong emotions.

We can help our kids manage their stress and emotions as they process violence and tragedy. Here are a few tips for different age groups that can help you show up for your kids in challenging times:

Start with yourself.

If you are able, don’t rush into conversations with kids before we pause to attend to our own feelings and responses. The goal of this pause isn’t to have all the answers or prepare to say all of the “perfect” things. Instead, the goal is to take the time we need to welcome our feelings and do what we can to settle our bodies. Reach out to your own support networks for additional support if needed. This might include friends, a therapist, partner, trusted elder, spiritual director, or other supports. Doing this will help us have more grounded and connected conversations with our kids.

Early Childhood

Even though very young babies and toddlers may not know what is going on, they may pick up a parent’s worry and anxiety with their “sixth sense.”

Try to stay calm around babies and toddlers.
Maintain normal routines as much as possible. Routines are reassuring for babies.
Shield babies and toddlers from media coverage as much as possible.
Look for non-verbal signs that your toddler may be anxious. This might include being scared to go outside or to daycare, extra weepy, clingy, or irritable. Provide extra reassurance and time together.
Take the lead from your toddler. Don’t bring it up yourself unless they show signs of distress or ask questions.

Preschoolers

Preschoolers may be more tuned in to what is happening. They may have questions about violence, and death.

Safety is a primary concern for this age group. Reassure them that you will do everything you can keep them safe.
Preschoolers are also concerned about the safety of parents, relatives, and friends. Reassure them. Let them know your whereabouts and keep your commitments to them.
Preschoolers are not always able to distinguish fantasy and reality. Limit media exposure.
Look for non-verbal signs that your preschooler may be anxious. This might include being extra weepy, clingy, or irritable.
Bedtimes are very important. Stories, books and reassuring bedtime rituals are helpful.
Try to maintain your children’s normal routines if possible.
Give them lots of hugs and physical reassurance.
Take the lead from your preschooler.

Elementary School

School age children will be more aware of what is going on. They have probably had discussions with friends, seen things online, or heard about it at school.

Talk to your elementary age children. Families directly impacted by events often have no choice but to talk to their children immediately as they cope with the experience and help children organize their understanding and reactions. For children who may not yet know about the event, we can ask them a question like, have you heard about [this event]? Can you tell me what you know? Explain what happened and share the facts while reassuring them that you will do everything you can to keep them safe.
Children this age are also concerned about their own safety, as well as that of family and friends. Try to spend extra time together. This will provide extra reassurance.
Ask them if they have any questions. If they do, tell them what you know without exaggerating or overreacting. Get comfortable with silence and commit to checking-in again after they’ve had time to process.
Don’t be surprised if they are more irritable, touchy, or tired. Be extra patient.
Limit breaking news and media coverage of the events. Explain that you are learning from trusted news sources.
Try to continue normal routines when possible, especially at bedtime.
Don’t avoid or ignore talking about the role that racism, antisemitism, transphobia, Islamophobia, or other forms of oppression played in the event. Talking early and often about these issues helps children make sense of what they are seeing and hearing and helps protect against harmful stereotyping in the aftermath of events.
Point out all the things community members are doing to help. Children like to be helpful and feel like they can do something. Children can write a letter, create art, send supplies, or take part in faith and interfaith vigils.

Middle School

Children this age will be very aware of what is going on. They have probably seen many of the images online or been in the streets themselves taking action.

Families directly impacted by events often have no choice but to talk to their children immediately as they cope with the experience and help young people organize their understanding and reactions. Even if we have talked at home, middle schoolers are likely to be hearing a lot of things at school. Talking often with them will help you determine what they are learning and may help you correct any misinformation they might have. Ask them, “What are you hearing? How does it make you feel?”
Acknowledge any feelings of confusion, fear, horror, and anger.
Provide extra comfort and reassurance.
Children this age will be more interested in what might happen in the future. Don’t burden them with catastrophic fears that you might have. Instead, ground the conversation in reassurance that you are doing everything you can to keep communities safe and to work for justice.
Some children may act out scary feelings through misbehavior. Others may become more withdrawn. Pay attention to the many faces of stress and make space for their feelings.
Some young people might want to take action in some way. Get your kids connected to positive responses in the community either directly connected to the event or related to ongoing work on issues related to the event (for example, anti-racism and anti-oppression and/or countering gun violence).
Talk to your kids about what they might see online and talk directly about the way that disinformation and misinformation circulate during tragedies. Explore ways to take breaks and protect their mental health on social media.
This event may trigger existing anxiety, anger or fears about personal and community safety, especially for youth who have experienced violence, racism, antisemitism, or trauma. Listen to your child. Listen listen listen. And assure your child that you are working hard alongside them to make sure all people feel safe.
Seek out positive media – watch, read, and share stories of resilience, organizing, advocacy, and support with your child.

High School

High school students have probably had conversations with their friends on and offline. They might have fears about what this will mean for their own safety and or have questions about larger related issues including war, gun control, public safety, racism, anti-semitism, islamophobia, criminal justice and policing, and public policy.

Questions about safety are all legitimate issues for this age group. It is important to discuss these topics with them.
Acknowledge any fear, sadness, and anger they have.
Some teens may want to block out the whole thing. It may appear that they do not care. This often masks real fears and feelings of being overwhelmed.
Some teens may make jokes. Humor can be a way to help them cope, but discourage them from humor that disregards the importance of taking the tragedy seriously.
Talk to your kids about what they might see online and talk directly about the way that disinformation and misinformation circulate during tragedies. Explore ways to take breaks and protect their mental health on social media.
Some teens may be very interested in discussing the policy and/or political issues involved. Be willing to engage them in serious discussions about related issues included public safety, racism, antisemitism, islamophobia, media coverage and stereotyping, and gun control.
Some young people might want to take action in some way. Get your kids connected to positive responses in their community either directly connected to the event or related to ongoing advocacy and organizing.
This event may trigger existing anxiety, anger or fears about personal and community safety, especially for youth who have experienced violence. Listen to your child. Listen listen listen. And assure your child that you are working hard alongside them to make sure all people feel safe and respected.
Seek out accurate and affirming media – watch, read, and share stories of resilience, organizing, advocacy, and support with your child.