“I am just going to delay as long as I can,” a parent recently shared with me. She added, “I just don’t even want to deal with social media until high school.”
“Yes, I can relate,” I replied thinking of my own middle schooler at home and my intermittent impulses to move deep into the forest and live off the grid. “Unfortunately though I don’t think we can delay dealing with it at all until high school – even if we hold off on Instagram.”
“Ugh, I know, but it is so tempting,” the parent conceded. Then she laughed. “I guess I shouldn’t forget the mess my kid got into even on Google chat in fourth grade.”
We both sighed at the same time. No delaying, banning, or confiscating would save us from the work of parenting in the digital age.
Middle school is not just a window of vulnerability. It is also a window of opportunity.
Teens on social media. Do the data tell us to delay until high school?
In the wake of the Surgeon General’s Advisory on Social Media and Youth Mental Health, many parents are looking for clear guidance on next steps. Fortunately there are some key strategies for digital wellbeing around which there is a lot of agreement. These include protecting sleep, encouraging movement, prioritizing connection, and paying close attention to the content that populates our kids’ feeds.
Another strategy that has gotten a lot of traction is to delay social media until high school. It’s important to note that we don’t have robust data yet showing a causal relationship between early social media use and mental health problems. A large recent study did find an association between earlier device ownership and worse mental health as adults. But it’s also quite possible that this relationship was driven by other factors that the study didn’t control for.
That said, there is other compelling evidence that young adolescents may be more vulnerable to social media harms than older adolescents. One study found that there may be “heightened windows of sensitivity” to social media use at different times in adolescence. This study found that it was only during early adolescence (11-13 for girls and 14-15 for boys) and early adulthood (age 19) that higher social media use predicted a decrease in life satisfaction ratings a year later.
Early adolescence: A window of sensitivity
This makes some sense from a developmental perspective. Brain regions associated with social comparison, peer feedback, and reward processing are especially sensitive at the beginning of adolescence. This can intersect with technology in both positive and negative ways. On the positive side, young people are uniquely wired for peer connection during this time. Technology can certainly help young people deepen and extend friendships. On the other hand, Dr. Sophia Choukas-Bradley describes the perfect storm for body dissatisfaction that can emerge for middle schoolers who spend a lot of time with social media content that emphasize appearance and popularity.
The reality is that the business models of popular social media platforms are at odds with the developmental needs of young adolescents.
To be clear, most experts agree that the outcomes for any specific middle schooler depend upon much more than their access to a certain social platform. Mental health outcomes are driven by all kinds of factors including young people’s strengths, vulnerabilities, offline contexts, access to support, and mental health history.
Nevertheless, despite the ongoing “muddiness” of the data, it’s certainly not a bad idea to delay social media as long as possible. The Surgeon General himself has been eager to share his own decision to do exactly that. He does make it clear though that his decision is rooted in a “do no harm” philosophy rather than definitive proof of inevitable harm to all.
What do middle schoolers need from us?
Whether or not tweens are on social media, there is nothing magical about age of fifteen or sixteen that guarantees safety, responsibility, and thriving online. This is especially true if young people haven’t had a lot of mentorship and coaching. While younger adolescents do need more oversight, they tend to benefit from a “gradual release” towards independence and agency. We should start conversations and building skills whether they are watching YouTube, using a simple smartwatch, or just streaming their favorite shows on TV.
That’s because middle school is not just a window of vulnerability. It is also a window of opportunity. We would be wise not to miss it. The adolescent brain is built to learn, especially through experience. Long lectures focused on transmitting “All Our Knowledge” aren’t a good fit for tweens or teens (are they ever?). But the middle school brain is primed to engage, learn, and practice new things.
Spend this week being curious about your tween’s digital habits and experiences. Be willing to shift your perspective as you engage with them. Ask yourself, “What did I think before? What do I think now?” Then repeat.
That’s why they need us to step meaningfully into their digital lives whether they are on TikTok yet or not. Tweens need us to lead with:
Curiosity.
During early adolescence, there is often a tension between parents’ focus on safety and control and tweens’ growing desire for independence.
We don’t resolve this tension by relaxing all ground rules and expectations. But heading into adolescence with a rigid view that all time on phones and social media is bad doesn’t help either. Not only is it inaccurate, it positions screen time as an inevitable battleground. As researchers Emily Weinstein and Carrie James remind us, making sure tweens know that “a conversation isn’t always going to lead to immediate sanctions or new rules,” is key to keeping lines of communication open.
Maintaining a “curious stance” helps us catch digital strengths and opens up the possibility for collaborative problem solving. But how do we get there? We practice.
Harvard School of Education’s Project Zero offers a compelling prompt that can help us cultivate this mindset: “I Used to Think…Now I Think…” Spend this week being curious about your child’s digital habits and experiences. Be willing to shift your perspective as you engage with them. Ask yourself, “What did I think before? What do I think now?” Then repeat.
It’s tempting to keep repeating generic reminders like, “Think before you post!” and “Be kind online!” But young people tell us that this kind of advice is woefully insufficient by middle school.
Connection.
Middle schoolers rely on us to get creative with connection as they start to pull away from us and toward their friends. This includes creating screen free times for fun and play, for empathetic listening, and for family rituals. But let’s not position screen time as the enemy of connection. Middle school is a good time to connect in and around digital spaces too. We can ask them to teach us how to play their favorite video games, watch YouTube videos together, and listen to their playlists. Having fun together in digital spaces builds up important relational capital we will need when we hit rough spots. Which we will.
Coaching.
We don’t know what skills to coach if we aren’t paying attention to our kids. That’s why curiosity and connection are so key. It’s tempting to keep repeating generic reminders like, “Think before you post!” and “Be kind online!” But young people tell us that this kind of advice is woefully insufficient by middle school.
Instead, middle school is all about growing complexity. It is the time to plant seeds and initiate conversations about digital dilemmas, not just digital rules. These include dilemmas around friendship, privacy, self-worth, boundaries, and more. Exploring challenges leaves room to brainstorm very specific strategies that tweens might self-employ as they gain control over their digital lives. These strategies could range from curating feeds, to muting notifications, to advocating for policy changes.
All middle schoolers benefit from curiosity, connection, and coaching. Let’s not wait until they get a phone or join TikTok to get started.
Project Zero offers another helpful guide for talking about digital dilemmas in ways that encourage thoughtful decision making and skill building. These conversations don’t need to follow a formal structure at home, but these four prompts still serve as useful reminders:
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- Identify. What’s the dilemma and who is involved?
- Feel. What might each person be feeling?
- Imagine. What are different options for handling the situation?
- Say. What could the people involved say or do?
No matter what, don’t delay curiosity, connection, and coaching.
Every parent I know is making complicated trade-offs between competing needs when it comes to phones, gaming, and social media. There is no single strategy that works for every family. Some parents are going to choose to delay all devices and social media. Others aren’t. Many are going to do something in between. But all middle schoolers benefit from curiosity, connection, and coaching. Let’s not wait until they get a phone or get Snapchat to get started.