When my family had a conversation about summer screen time a month ago, our agreements and ideas felt so full of promise. They didn’t result from an idyllic family summit or long formal meeting, but the conversation was earnest and grounded in our most positive vision of what life could look like in the ever-shifting structure of the summer months ahead.
The agreements did their job for the first weeks of summer, supporting enough structure to avoid constant negotiations. Then, like most families, we hit a week with less structure for kids and more obligations for adults – and everything fell apart.
The reality is that there is no magical agreement that you can download off the internet that will prevent all screen time struggles or bring our lives into perfect, harmonious balance. Even solid agreements and routines are met with ease one day and indignation the next. This sometimes has more to do with what’s going on in the world and in our nervous systems (or how much sleep we got) than whether the agreements are “working.” When the wheels come off, this isn’t a sign of failure, it’s a sign that it is time to revisit, reflect, and recreate a plan. This is how we learn and build skills.
When things come off the rails, it’s tempting to have one of the following reactions:
- Blame yourself. “What kind of parent lets things fall apart like this?”
- Blame the kids. “If they had a better attitude, we wouldn’t be here.”
- Blame the screens. “I knew I should have incinerated the devices at the beginning of summer and moved off the grid.”
Not surprisingly, these responses tend to escalate conflict and shut down perspective and problem solving. What can we do instead?
Reflect
Our in-the-moment assessment of how things are going is often skewed. A particularly rough afternoon isn’t the time to draw conclusions about our worth as a parent or our kids’ overall relationship with screens. Instead, reflect on broad patterns when you are back on more firm footing:
What’s working well? Notice and name your strengths. It’s easy to fall into confirmation bias when we feel like things are off the rails. This means we are less likely to notice things that don’t align with our current beliefs.
What’s not working? Try to get specific and break things into parts. Instead of, “I hate all of this screen time!” Try, “Playing video games before camp has made the mornings really challenging,” or, “I haven’t figured out the iPad screen time settings yet and my kid is struggling to self-regulate when I am working.”
Sometimes when we step back to get a clearer view, we find that things are going better than we initially thought. Other times, we see signs of real struggle. Don’t ignore signs of problematic media use or mental health concerns and reach out to your primary care provider or mental health professionals for more support if needed.
Rebuild the Plan
Assuming that our summer screen time plan just needs a reboot, what’s next? It’s tempting to approach our kids with a shiny new plan for a better future. This often backfires with adolescents, escalating the very power struggles we are trying to avoid. And no matter your child’s age, let’s remember that the goal isn’t just to get through a summer day (though that is a very reasonable goal), it’s also to raise kids who have had opportunities to reflect, communicate, and practice important skills. For example:
Invite: “I’ve noticed that because we had less structure this past week, we aren’t really following through on our agreements.”
Listen: Share your perspective. Invite your kid to share theirs. For example: “I’m open to having more time online when you don’t have camp but I notice that I’ve been nagging you to get off screens to do other things. It doesn’t feel good to me, and I’m guessing it doesn’t feel good to you. Have you noticed this? How has this been for you?”
Problem-solve: Work together to find a solution by asking, “How can we try this differently? What can we each agree to?”
Problem solving doesn’t mean that everything is up for consensus. For example, you might say: “Remember from our agreements that I have some non-negotiables: outside time every day, taking care of your daily family chores, device downtime at 9 pm, and spending device-free time together.”
Then ask: “What things do you care most about?”
It’s okay if your kid says, “I don’t know.” Give them time and space to respond. You can also offer some options:
“We could tackle this in a couple of ways: revisiting time limits, choosing times or spaces away from our devices, or prioritizing other activities before we chill with screens. What do you think is the best approach? What is your plan to make this work? What do you need from me to make this work?”
This is a helpful time to nail down clear agreements and logical consequences.
Check in and try again: Make a plan to check in and talk about how things are going. For example: “Let’s try this for the week and check in over the weekend.”
Figuring it Out Together
Collaborative problem solving will look different in different families. Some of you may find that your child needs much more structure and benefits from very limited screen time during the week. Other kids can roll with less. You might agree to a week with lots of online time if your teen is diving into music production or video editing. You might consider much less if the preferred activity is endlessly scrolling YouTube.
The point is this: our best-laid plans are bound to fall apart. What we do next sends the most powerful message to our kids—this got tricky, let’s figure it out together. The benefits of this approach last well beyond this summer.