Helping Kids Cope With Tragedy and Violence

Unfortunately, mass shootings, school shootings, racialized violence, and political violence are not uncommon. Even if tragedies don’t occur in their own communities, children and teens often hear about them from friends, see images on social media, and read about them in the news. These events may cause children to fear that an event like this could happen to them or their loved ones. All of us, including our children and teens, are dealing with sadness, anger, grief, and other strong emotions.

We can help our kids manage their stress and emotions as they process violence and tragedy. Here are a few tips for different age groups that can help you show up for your kids in challenging times:

Start with yourself.

If you are able, don’t rush into conversations with kids before we pause to attend to our own feelings and responses. The goal of this pause isn’t to have all the answers, get back to “happy,” or prepare to say all of the perfect things. It is okay for our kids to know that we are upset and sad. The goal is to take the time we need to welcome our feelings and do what we can to settle our bodies. Consider using movement, scent, sound, breath, touch, or other body practices rather than just trying to “think your way out” of overwhelm. Reach out to your own support networks for additional support if needed. This might include friends, a therapist, partner, trusted elder, spiritual director, or other supports. Doing this will help us have more grounded and connected conversations with our kids.

Early Childhood

Even though very young babies and toddlers may not know what is going on, they may pick up a parent’s worry and anxiety with their “sixth sense.”

Try to stay calm around babies and toddlers.
Maintain normal routines as much as possible. Routines are reassuring for babies.
Shield babies and toddlers from media coverage as much as possible.
Look for non-verbal signs that your toddler may be anxious. This might include being scared to go outside or to daycare, extra weepy, clingy, or irritable. Provide extra reassurance and time together.
Take the lead from your toddler. Don’t bring it up yourself unless they show signs of distress or ask questions.

Preschoolers

Preschoolers may be more tuned in to what is happening. They may have questions about violence and death.

Safety is a primary concern for this age group. Reassure them that you will do everything you can keep them safe.
Preschoolers are also concerned about the safety of parents, relatives, and friends. Let them know your whereabouts and keep your commitments to them.
Preschoolers are not always able to distinguish fantasy and reality. Limit media exposure.
Look for non-verbal signs that your preschooler may be anxious. This might include being extra weepy, clingy, or irritable.
Bedtimes are very important. Stories, books and reassuring bedtime rituals are helpful.
Try to maintain your children’s normal routines if possible.
Give them lots of hugs and physical reassurance.
Take the lead from your preschooler.

Elementary School

School age children will be more aware of what is going on. They have probably had discussions with friends, seen things online, or heard about it at school.

Talk with your elementary-age children. Families directly impacted by events often have no choice but to talk right away and help their kids make sense of what happened. For children who may not yet know about the event, you might start with a question like, “Something really awful happened today at [event]. Can you tell me what you know about it?” Then explain what happened in simple, clear terms, share the facts, and reassure them that you will do everything you can to keep them safe.
Children this age are also concerned about their own safety, as well as that of family and friends. Try to spend time together. This is often more comforting than constant verbal reassurance.
Ask if they have any questions. Answer honestly with what you know without catastrophizing or minimizing. Be okay with silence, and let them know you’ll check in again after they’ve had time to process.
Don’t be surprised if they are more irritable, touchy, or tired. Be extra patient.
Limit breaking news and social media coverage of the events. Explain that you are learning from trusted news sources.
Try to continue normal routines when possible, especially at bedtime.
If relevant, don’t shy away from talking in age-appropriate ways about the role that racism, antisemitism, transphobia, or other forms of bias may play in the event or how it’s covered. Talking directly helps protect against harmful stereotyping in the aftermath.
Point out the helpers. Be sure to let them know that, “A lot of people helped right away and a lot of people are continuing to help.” Some children may want to do something. Children can write a letter, create art, send supplies, or take part in events or faith and interfaith vigils.

Middle School

Children this age will be very aware of what is going on. They have probably seen many of the images online or been in the streets themselves taking action.

Families directly impacted by events often have no choice but to talk with their children right away as they cope with the experience and help them make sense of what happened. Even if you’ve already talked at home, middle schoolers are likely to hear a lot at school. Ongoing conversations can help you understand what they’re learning and gently correct any misinformation. You might ask, “What are you hearing about [event]? How are you feeling about it? What do you think other kids might be feeling?”
Acknowledge any feelings of confusion, fear, horror, and anger. You can say, “It makes sense that you feel this way. This should never have happened and it is awful.”
Provide extra comfort and reassurance by getting creative with connection.
Children this age will be more interested in what might happen in the future. Avoid sharing catastrophic fears you may carry, but don’t minimize their concerns either. Instead, offer reassurance that you are doing everything you can to keep them safe and to work toward a safer world for everyone.
Some children may act out scary feelings through misbehavior. Others may become more withdrawn. Pay attention to the many faces of stress and make space for their feelings.
Some young people might want to take action. Get your kids connected to positive responses in the community either directly connected to the event or related to ongoing advocacy work on issues related to the event.
Talk to your kids about what they might see online and talk directly about the way that disinformation and misinformation circulate during tragedies. Explore ways to take breaks and protect their mental health on social media.
This event may trigger existing anxiety, anger or fears about personal and community safety, especially for youth who have experienced gun violence, racism, antisemitism, or other forms of trauma. Listen to your child. Listen listen listen. And assure your child that you are working hard alongside them to make sure all people feel safe.
Seek out positive media – watch, read, and share stories of resilience, organizing, advocacy, and support with your middle schooler.

High School

High school students have probably had conversations with their friends on and offline. They might have fears about what this will mean for their own safety and or have questions about larger related issues including war and conflict, gun control, public safety, racism, anti-semitism, Islamophobia, criminal justice and policing, and public policy.

Questions about safety are all legitimate issues for this age group. It is important to discuss these topics with them.
Acknowledge any fear, sadness, and anger they have.
Some teens may try to block out the whole thing, which can look like they don’t care. Often, this masks real fears or feeling overwhelmed. Resist the urge to “force their feelings.” Instead, offer space and time for them to process.
Some teens may respond with jokes. Humor can be a coping strategy, but gently discourage humor that dismisses the seriousness of the tragedy.
Talk to your kids about what they might see online and talk directly about the way that disinformation and misinformation circulate during tragedies. Explore ways to take breaks and protect their mental health on social media.
Some teens may be very interested in discussing the policy and/or political issues involved. Be willing to engage them in serious discussions about related issues included gun control, public safety, racism, antisemitism, Islamophobia, media coverage, and stereotyping.
Some young people might want to take action in some way. Get your kids connected to positive responses in their community either directly connected to the event or related to ongoing advocacy and organizing.
This event may trigger existing anxiety, anger or fears about personal and community safety, especially for youth who have experienced violence. Listen to your teen. Listen listen listen. And assure them that you are working hard alongside them to make sure all people experience safety at school and in their communities.
Seek out accurate and affirming media – watch, read, and share stories of resilience, organizing, advocacy, and support with your high schooler.