The Science of Motivation

We certainly know motivation when we experience it. Close your eyes and I bet you can conjure a time when your goals felt compelling and the path towards them manageable and, dare I say, energizing. The opposite feeling is also familiar, when our goals feel fuzzy, our feet heavy, and the pathways uninviting.

It’s hard enough to generate the consistent inner fuel we need to navigate our own lives. It can be even more exasperating to watch it drain from our kids. This precious resource is essential yet sometimes elusive. Why is a baby so motivated to learn how to walk despite hundreds of setbacks? Yet motivation to complete homework sometimes go out the window at the first mistake? And finally, why doesn’t it work to tell our kids they just need to, “Get going!?”

It’s not easy to try to energize and motivate our kids toward their goals, especially when their investment and sense of urgency doesn’t match our own. It’s when we are most frustrated that we will pull anything out of our toolkit to help get them moving. These include things like:

Directing: “Just DO IT.”
Lecturing: “Sit down and let me tell you all the reasons that you should do this.”
Threatening: “Do it, or else!”
Bribing: “Do it and I will buy you a pony.”

Let’s be honest, we’ve all grabbed for these tools. Usually we use them out of desperation, uncertain what else to do. Also to be honest, sometimes they work! But usually not for long. That’s because these strategies can get kids to comply, but that isn’t the same thing as motivation. Understanding the science of motivation helps us understand why these common strategies tend to fall short. It also points to ways to nurture motivation in our kids – not just for the sake of compliance or productivity – but for their mental health and wellbeing.

Motivation is built over time with special windows of sensitivity during early childhood and adolescence. As we explore the world, our experiences cause a release of neurotransmitters that change the chemistry of our brain in ways that stimulate us to keep going or hold us back. Neurotransmitters are “molecules of emotion” because their levels in our brain have a lot to do with our feelings.

One of the central players in positive experiences is dopamine, the “happy” brain chemical. The more dopamine is circulating in our brains the happier we feel. Dopamine (and other neurotransmitters like serotonin and endorphins) don’t just make us feel good. They also send chemical signals along pathways that connect the regions of the brain responsible for rewards and memories. This makes sense! It is very useful for me to remember the things that make me feel good. Smell a bouquet of flowers? Delightful. See flowers again? Smell them again!

This chemical feedback loop helps us remember positive experiences like this so we are motivated to repeat them.

Approach motivation and the seeking brain.

Importantly, the brain doesn’t just reward us for doing things that we enjoy. It also rewards us for seeking out the things we enjoy. Based on our experiences, we learn what makes us feel good. Our brains then prompt us to seek these things out again by making the search rewarding in and of itself, even if the outcome is uncertain. This explains why a child’s anticipation of a new toy is sometimes even better than playing with it. It may be frustrating to watch a new toy collect dust, but it is a powerful reminder that we human beings are born seekers.

We should be grateful our brains are built this way. When it comes to learning and moving towards our goals, the seeking system is a primary driver of motivation. It fuels us to reach towards our learning edges and discover new things. The seeking brain loves conditions that prompt internal questions like, “I wonder what is going to happen next? I want to find out!”

Avoidance motivation and stress

Approach motivation is only one part of the story. Our brains aren’t just pumping molecules of emotion to help us seek out good things. Our bodies are built to help us avoid bad things as well. When we feel threatened or unsafe, our stress response hijacks the thinking brain and floods the body with adrenaline and other chemicals so that we can focus on the threat, respond quickly, and get towards safety. In other words, we human beings are very motivated to avoid threats. This is a good thing! It has kept us human beings alive for a very long time.

This means that when kids experience unmanageable stress, their avoidance motivation systems can quickly override their approach systems. For acute and visible stressors, we get it. We would never expect a child to move happily towards a space or experience that is threatening. It is more confusing when we can’t see or refuse to recognize the source of stress. Things like mental health conditions, racism, food insecurity, or persistent social exclusion easily ignite kids’ survival systems, making it more difficult to unleash the seeking brain and experience the rewards associated with approach motivation.

The Motivated Brain

We can’t ignore either of these powerful systems when we are working to motivate ourselves or our kids. From the brain’s perspective, motivation tends to flow when we experience:

Safety: The brain likes to know, “I’ve experienced something like this before and it was rewarding!”

Novelty: The brain likes to wonder, “What’s going to happen? I want to find out!”

Understanding this science shines a light on why traditional tools tend to backfire. The old “carrot and stick” approach to motivation is a bad fit for these systems in the brain. Threats and harsh punishments are likely to ignite our avoidance systems, not calm them. On the other hand, bribes often end up gathering dust in the corner. That’s not to say that we can’t enhance motivation with extrinsic rewards. We can! But when they become the primary motivators, their effectiveness fades over time. If the only reward comes from the sticker or prize, children are less likely to stick with the task once the sticker fueled dopamine wanes.

Nurturing Approach Motivation

The foundation is “unconditional positive regard.”

It’s tempting to try to spark motivation by withholding approval or threatening punishment until we see children moving towards their goals. Yet warm and caring relationships are the primary way that children and teens feel safe and secure enough to want to approach and the world. According to educator and author Alex Shevrin Venet, kids don’t benefit from the message, “I like you if [insert desired behavior]. Instead, unconditional positive regard is a taproot for real motivation. The message of unconditional positive regard is, “I care about you. You have value. You don’t have to do anything to prove it to me, and nothing’s going to change my mind.”

This doesn’t mean that we ignore poor behavior. It does mean that we should prioritize clear boundaries over harsh discipline and work towards a balanced approach that balances limits and consequences with plenty of warmth and support. It also means finding creative ways to stay connected to our kids even when motivation is waning.

Make room for choice and share power.

Too often, when our kids’ motivation wanes we respond by taking over tasks, taking away choices, and delivering lectures and commands. The challenge? The more we take over, the more we squash the seeking drive. Too much structure, boredom, and not-enough-challenge quickly undermines approach motivation. Kids need us to balance meaningful structure with plenty of choice, agency, independent activities, and creative play. Let’s let our kids lead. Rotate the job of who gets to choose the family activity. Or ask a teen, “We both know you need to do your math homework and you want to play video games. What’s your plan?”

Fan sparks wherever they show up.

Too often, we are trying to get kids to move towards our goals, without paying attention to theirs. Some of this is part of life. But paying attention to the activities, spaces, and experiences that light up our kids’ seeking systems gives us important information. These “sparks” can form a motivating on-ramp to other, less exciting activities. Look for ways to link your child’s interests to a task. For a child who loves dinosaurs, learning to read about dinosaurs might be a lot more motivating than reading about trucks. A teen who understands that a boring task is just one part of a more interesting project or personally meaningful purpose is more likely to prioritize it.

Prime the brain with healthy rewards.

Exercise, sleep, mindfulness, getting outside, and eating healthy foods are all ways to boost reward loops in the brain. Once we get a little mood boost from these activities, we are often motivated to do more. Too often, these are the first activities to go in pursuit of productivity. Kids may not feel motivated to go on walks or spend time in nature when presented the options but most benefit from the experience once they are there. These activities are not a substitute for critical mental health support when needed, but they are essential to our wellbeing.

Attend to our collective wellbeing.

It’s hard to activate the seeking system and approach the world with curiosity if you have learned through experience that your probability of success is limited. This means that while many of us are busily just trying to get through the day, we can’t forget to take a broader look at systems that either facilitate or put roadblocks in front of kids’ chances at success. Remember, motivation is distributed in relationships and shaped by systems, not something we decide to fire up or not. By settling our bodies, we can generate the emotional resources and motivation to continuously expand our circles of concern and rebuild systems that work for everyone.